As the summer and the first year of my marriage wraps up, I’ve been reflecting on my life. In blended families, things are just different (good or bad) than they are in nuclear families. Over this past year, our family has had some major life changes in various ways, and these changes have brought angst, challenges, joy and laughter. So during this reflection time, I decided to write down the top 10 lessons that I’ve learned.
#1. I LOVE my husband.
He is my person. Never in a million years or a million lifetimes could I express this in words or song. Every day we both work to show each other that we have each other’s back and so does God. Don’t get me wrong, we are far from perfect people or a perfect couple. Marriage is hard work. Parenting is hard work. The key is finding someone that you can work with through “the hard”.
#2. We are family.
The 6 people in this family are just that, family. I love each and every one of them. It doesn’t matter that some of us are not genetically linked. They are my family. Period.
It doesn’t matter how many times my feelings are hurt by the kids or my husband. It doesn’t matter how many times I’m disrespected and treated as if I don’t fit in. It doesn’t matter because I love them. I pray for their happiness every. Single. Day.
#3. Raising kids is hard.
Parenting is seriously one of the hardest things in the world to do, but it’s also one of the most rewarding. Co-parenting is far more difficult and parenting non-bio kids is even tougher.
The goal for all parents is to raise kids who are happy, respectful, and generally decent humans. In order to reach this goal, sometimes we have to give tough love. They call it tough love because it’s honestly tough on all involved, not just the child. But hopefully in time, the lessons will be learned, forgiveness given, and all will have grown in their relationship.
These wonderful kids of ours teach me more about myself, sacrifice and love than anything or anyone else ever could in this life. I’m sure I’ve said that sentence more than once, but I do not care. I will continue to say that forever, because it is so true. Teaching our kids life lessons is a top priority. We strive to teach our kiddos gratitude for family, friends, and for all of the blessings in their life. We teach them by example and show them how to live sacrificially, and show others grace and love.
#4. Faith.
Oh Lord knows faith is not easy to come by. When everything and everyone is screaming at you about how awful you are (think the proverbial evil stepmom) or how awful life is because of you, it’s incredibly difficult to have faith that you are doing the best you can, and that God loves you.
As a mom, there are days that it seems you simply can’t do anything right. Nada. Zip-o. There is no exception to that in a blended family. “Damned if you do, and damned if you don’t” is a real thing, folks. Having faith that you, your husband, your kids, and all of your relationships can make it to the other side of an issue in one piece is a necessity. There are seasons of life that seem like an eternity but having faith that these are just seasons and not the end is imperative to your sanity. God knows what we need and He knows we, as a family, needed each other.
Remember that there is a mom out there who on the outside seems like she has it all together, but she’s also the mom that is crying alone on the floor of her bedroom closet, or in the bathroom with the water running, or at the kitchen sink doing dishes while everyone else is at school or work. I see you, mama. God calls each of us to something uniquely ours and he has called each of us to be the mama in our families.
#5. Forgiveness & Grace.
This is monumental.
First, what’s the difference? To me forgiveness comes with accountability. Grace is given as a gift. It’s forgiveness given without consequences. But once you have given forgiveness or grace, you cannot keep track of other people’s wrongs. (1 Corinthians 13:5)
Forgiving someone that has hurt you is crazy hard. Giving grace is hard.
H. A. R. D. Hard, y’all. It’s no joke. Teaching your kids how to live a life of forgiveness and grace is essential to their happiness long term, and it’s essential for you to live your best blessed life.
Teaching forgiveness to your kids is no easy task. Living a life of forgiveness isn’t easy so how could it be easy to teach kids to live it? Be an example to your kids. Lead them. They’re asking you to lead even when it doesn’t seem like it. Forgive even when forgiveness isn’t being asked of you. Give it freely. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, but it does mean giving yourself peace.
Giving forgiveness and grace is even harder when you’re a kid in a blended family. Non-bio parents don’t automatically get a pass on mistakes (real or perceived) like a bio-parent is afforded by their bio-child. Kids want approval and to please their biological parents. Conversely, bonus parents are often met with indifference, disrespect and exclusion.
#6. Kids will compare their 2 households.
Kids who have visitation with a non-custodial parent every other weekend and 1 night a week can find themselves comparing their full-time household to their “visitation” household. When you’re in a home 8 days a month, those visits can seem more like a vacation than real life. For a kid, they don’t see it that way. They don’t see that real life with all of the decision making, all of the rules, and all of life’s obstacles typically happens in their full time household. Where would you want to be: Vacation or real-life? Who could blame them, right?
If there are kids in your life that experience this, remember not to help them compare their 2 homes. Those homes have 2 different sets of people who live in them. They simply can’t compare. Instead, help them see the positives in both unique homes. Encourage them to foster good relationships with everyone (parents and siblings) in each home by communicating, and offering complete forgiveness. Encourage them to talk to the person/people directly when they have a conflict. The only people who can resolve a conflict are those that are directly involved. Reaching out to others for advice is perfectly acceptable, but if one only discusses the conflict with other people, they’re just complaining.
#7. Support your kids in their relationships.
Co-parenting is hard, but it is the key to supporting your kids and doing what’s in their best interest. Co-parenting is seriously difficult and complex especially if you have a high-conflict relationship with another set of parents. Do not make this your kids’ problem. Do not speak poorly of another parent (bio or bonus) to or in front of the kids. If you’re a biological parent, provide your kids the support they need to foster healthy relationships with their bio-parent and bonus parent in the other household. If you’re a bonus parent, support your bonus kids’ relationship with both of their bio-parents.
Supporting your kids in this way may require you to facilitate visits with a bio-parent. It may mean biting your tongue when you’re disappointed with the way another parent handles situations. It means that even when you don’t agree with the words or actions of another parent, you still encourage your kids to resolve conflict and communicate with their other parent(s). Kids can never have too many people that love them in their lives.
#8. Blended families are unique.
Most people don’t understand you or your family dynamics because blended families are unique. My husband and I have some really great friends, but those friends that are part of nuclear families really have no clue what it’s like to be in and parent in a blended family. They try really hard to be supportive and I love them all for that support because it is just what I need most days. However, there are times when advice is given to us that just simply doesn’t apply to a blended family. Over time, many of them have figured out that they can’t completely understand, but still listen and support us the best way they can.
Family members who have never been part of a blended family don’t get it either. They can be quick to judge and slow to be understanding. Don’t expect the benefit of the doubt. They don’t see how you live sacrificially, serving your family in ways they can’t even begin to understand. They don’t see you love, give, and sacrifice and it be returned with apathy or rejection.
These times can feel very isolating and defeating. Just remember that God loves you and He has called you to be the mama in this family. He sees you, He knows your heart, and He always offers you grace and love.
#9. It takes a village.
Your village will be made up of friends and family that will support you and your relationships with your bio and bonus kids. It seriously takes a village to raise kids. Be confident that every person in that village is doing what’s in the best interest of your kids and your family.
Draw healthy boundaries for people in your village as they play a major role in the health of your family. In my experience, boundaries in blended families have to be drawn and upheld more strictly than in a nuclear family. You have the ex-spouse(s), extended family, friends (old and new), so figuring out the boundary lines and how to uphold them in your blended family can be difficult for everyone, especially when boundaries change for those people that were in the village prior to the blended family.
I have come to understand 1 major truth: If someone truly has the kids’ best interests at heart, they will SUPPORT them in their relationships with ALL PARENTS (biological and non-biological). If they don’t do just that, they’re absolutely hurting the kids even if they’re excuse for everything they say and do is that it’s for the kids. They’re only fooling themselves. I said it before and I’m going to say it again, kids can never have too many people in their lives who love and support them. Don’t let anyone do the opposite.
If the women in your village are not screaming and cheering for your success and your family’s success, get a new village. I’m going to say that one more time. If the women in your village are not straight up “Bring It On” cheering for you, GET A NEW VILLAGE. Go get a new seat and a new table with a new set of friends. Scary, right? I get it, girl! But seriously, if you’re sitting with women who are catty and gossipy especially about the woman that just walked away, I guarantee you, you are the next topic of conversation once you walk away. Go be with some women who cheer louder than anyone else, who share confidence like it’s the new “Ben & Jerry’s” flavor, and who laugh “like it’s 1999”! Seriously… Go!
#10. DO NOT MOM-SHAME.
The majority of people are trying to do their very best as a parent. Moms have so many obstacles to overcome. Don’t condemn a mom because she didn’t handle a situation in the same way that you think you would have or in the way you think she should have handled it. First, are you certain you understand:
- everything that happened in that situation?
- everything that happened in the hours, days, and weeks leading up to that situation?
- everything that happened after that situation?
Let me help you…. you don’t. Period.
Maybe she’s a bonus-mom who has extremely complex dynamics in her home and those complexities happened to rear their ugly face at an inopportune time. If you’re not a bonus-mom, trust me when I say, you do not know what she’s going through. No matter how much you think you understand, you don’t.
Don’t give advice to any mom unless it’s being requested because good advice with the best of intentions can come across as being judgmental. Instead, be a good listener. Give a kind word. Give her your kind eyes, instead of the judgmental ones… yes, you know what I’m talking about. Let her know you’ve been there, because let’s face it, we all have at some point in some way or another.
As the school year approaches, our schedule gets very busy. School and extracurriculars always bring new lessons for the kids and for me and my husband. I’m so excited to see the growth in our family that this last year has brought. I pray for forgiveness to be given to me and for me to be able to give it. I pray that all of my kids find happiness and success this year and the years to come. I pray that my husband and I may have the wisdom and the strength to lead this family and for my kids to find faith in us and to have faith that God has a marvelous plan for all of us, individually and together as a family.
I also pray these things for you, your kids, and your family. I’ll be at the table with the awesome women who are laughing and cheering the loudest! Come have a seat, I’ll save a spot for you!
