I have a history of struggling with being a control freak. My motivation isn’t necessarily so I can get things done the way I want them done, it’s more of a need to make everything better for myself, family and friends. I’m a fixer. I need things to be good for everyone. This turns into being a control freak – doing everything my way and trying my best to get others to do it my way so things turn out the way I plan. And SURPRISE! I’m not very good at controlling other people’s thoughts, words, and actions. Usually after a long struggle… I have to check my perspective.
I’m a wife and mother. This to me means doing everything that I can to give my husband and my kids the best life that I can give them. I take it very personally when things are not going well especially for my kids (ALL of them). When the other bio-parents don’t parent the way that my husband and I parent, it frustrates me. But worse yet, I feel like a failure because I can’t control these things. I have to check my perspective!
My husband and I put our kids before everything else. No other person, no pet/animal, no job, no personal want, etc., would ever come before the needs of our kids. This is something that we discussed when we started dating. We knew that it was important to us to have a strong relationship with each other and one that our kids couldn’t manipulate. But we also made a promise to each other that we would never try to put ourselves above any of the kids. We promised to never put the other in a situation where they had to pick the other adult over a child. We also promised to never treat the kids differently because each of them are equally important. We promised that if this ever became a problem, we would walk away from the relationship. We checked our perspectives up front so there was no confusion later about our individual expectations. Blending a family is one of the hardest things I have ever done but it has been so worth it and I’m so glad that my husband and I started it off with the right perspective.
If you’re like me, check your perspective! You only have to control the things you can control. What are those things? Well, they’re your thoughts, your words and your actions. That’s IT! You are responsible for making sure your kids know that they are important, that they come first above anything else, and you teach them to believe it and live it. If someone treats them like they are less than, then teach them to have the perspective that it is that other person’s loss. If you’re in a relationship, then I highly suggest that you and your significant other have a discussion about this very thing like my husband and I did. If you’re not on the same page, then that is NOT the person for you.
What do you do if your co-parent is being less than an ideal parent? Check your perspective! You can NOT control that person. You have to do everything in your power to lift your child up. Do NOT speak poorly of the other parent to your child. But you can help your child gauge that person’s behavior and put that responsibility on the parent and not on themselves. This works with all of their relationships: parents, friends, family, teachers, etc. Teach them to be kind, even when they’re not being treated kindly. Teach them to find their value without holding currency on someone else’s negative words and actions.
If you’re a bio-parent and you’re making your child feel like they are less important than someone else, a pet, or something/event, I’m confident in telling you that you are failing as a parent. (Yea, I can be a little blunt too.) But, you need to check your perspective! You and you alone are destroying that child’s ability to feel confident in themselves and in all trusting adults. They will grow up to feel that their life and feelings are insignificant and worse yet, they will learn to treat others in this same manner. If this is you, I implore you to stop this behavior NOW! If you’re in a relationship with a person that makes you choose them over a child, or requires you to put another child or a pet over your child, then you should re-evaluate your relationship with this “adult”. Check your perspective! You cannot control this other person. So, you should re-evaluate the kind of person and parent that YOU want to be. There are plenty of lovely people who would never find their own value by destroying a child. Be the person who lifts a child up. Don’t expect your actions to be inconsequential and do not expect someone else to fix or to pick up the pieces of your mess. Be better. Check your perspective! If you need help with this, I highly recommend speaking with a family therapist. You have the ability to make a change.
Check your perspective! Are you doing all that you can do? Do not take responsibility for others actions because you cannot control them. Teach your children to check their own perspective. Teach them where to place their own value. Teach them that they are important. Teach them that their actions have consequences and how to be kind to others. Teach them how to make this world a better place by being the best they can be. Teach them by showing them. Live it.
Check your perspective!
